Meet Naomi: A New Anaz Scholar
“I am so grateful because today I don't feel like I am unworthy. Today I feel like God is love and not religious ideology. I'm here, I have my own home, I'm back in school, I'm alive (I didn't think I would live this long) and I'm releasing everything else. I am liberating myself and I actually have the space to now!”
Naomi’s Story —told by Naomi
My grandparents were pastors, parents were pastors, the type of pastors that were offered tv shows, actually. They had mega churches, both Black and Latine, in Socal and bay area. My whole life and foundation was God and Christianity. I grew up wearing long sleeves and long skirts, no elbow or ankles were ever showing. I grew up in a very conservative home but my childhood was also very turbulent. As a child, I was sexually abused by a family member. In some way my sisters were all drowning but couldn't save each other. The only comfort we found was in the fact that we were all suffering and drowning together.
Finally at 8 years old my parents got a divorce. My father fell into addiction: alcohol, cocaine and sex and my mother fell into a deep depression and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After the divorce we spent most of my life on the run, to the point where we would sleep with our shoes on. This continued until my maternal grandfather stepped in and threatened my father. Technically I lived with my mom but I was mostly at my grandparents.
Things really changed for me in high school when I met this girl that I started dating. I knew I liked girls before I was 13 but this was the first time that I acted on it. I hid it because I was scared but rumors got out and my older sister ended up finding out and she told my mom. I finally came out to my mom and while she told me I was safe with her, the very next day she told my grandparents. They were not supportive at all. They told me that "people like me" get killed and I internalized that deeply to mean that I was worthless and my behavior started to reflect that. My grandparents told me that "people like that" are not normal and suffer consequences. What I didn't understand at that point was that my grandfather was telling me I was going to be disowned by my family. I went to live with my mom full-time and things got worse from there, I was punished physically for being a lesbian.
At 13 I had to understand what emotional independence and not needing people meant. I was emotionally abandoned and completely disowned. There were moments in my life where my family would dangle support or love in front of me and let me know that this could be something I had all the time if I would just conform and not longer be gay. What they didn't understand was that my sexuality is not a choice and if I could choose I might choose to be straight just for the sake of having my family, but that's not something I can do They believe that I am a monster and that I am perverse. They believe that queerness is contagious, they wouldn't even touch me. I used to say "I wish I never came out, my life would be so different".
Finally at 17 I was kicked out of my mom's house and from then to now, for the last 8 years,I haven't had a stable or safe home. I've bounced around, stayed with who ever would take me in, and sometimes those places were not safe.
My compass of self worth and what I am capable of accomplishing was and still is a bit broken. I've spent a lot of time in therapy working to repattern all of the negativity I have been taught, the isolation and hyper-independence. I knew that this was not going to be my life but I had no idea how I was going to get out.
I thought maybe I had started to make my way to stability and safety but fast forward to the last two months, I was in a very unsafe housing situation and in desperation reached out to my mother to ask her to stay with her, against my better judgement. After 4 days of being at her house, on the same day that I got my wisdom teeth pulled, my mother physically attacked me. She punched me in the body and then in the mouth. That same day I called a series of friends who might be able to help me find a place to stay for a few days. I ended up at an ex-girlfriend's house, which wasn't a great idea, but I had no other options.
Three days later, you [Louiza, our Founder] walked back into my job on a day that I was normally supposed to be off and asked why I hadn't finished the Anaz application. As soon as I saw you I just knew it was God, I immediately felt a sense of relief. I didn't know at the time that this was going to be my saving grace. Two weeks after my mom attacked me, I had my own apartment, in my name, and for the first time I have a safe, stable and secure home. I'm balancing the grief of not being able to share where I live with even my sisters in case they tell someone else in the family and the excitement of finally being safe. For the first time in my life I have enough safety to be able to process everything that has happened to me since I was 13 and releasing it from my body. For the first time I don't feel like I have to perform for my family or fight to be good enough or loved.
I am so grateful because today I don't feel like I am unworthy. Today I feel like God is love and not religious ideology. I'm here, I have my own home, I'm back in school, I'm alive (I didn't think I would live this long) and I'm releasing everything else. I am liberating myself and I actually have the space to now!